A couple of days ago I decided to start a personal challenge, focused on developing 3 aspects of my own life: my body, my mind and my soul.
One of the first insights I had while getting ready to start the challenge was that the whole mantra for these days would be letting go.
I had to, lovingly, let go of some parts of myself. Behaviors and beliefs that were cluttering my own self-concept. So, I designed a workflow with some daily practices and started the challenge.
Later in that week, I decided to binge-watch a TV Show with my girlfriend.
The clock marked 3:45 am when we finished the first season and she asked me, knowing that it was way past my usual bedtime, how I felt.
It was hard for me to answer because I felt different but couldn’t quite understand why or what it was.
Looking back, I can name it rather easily.
I felt free.
She went to take a bath, I turned on the computer and did a quick, very productive, working session. I went to bed feeling great and woke up the next day, after not that many hours, feeling even better.
Why? What was happening? I felt this internal change but couldn’t understand why and where it came from…
I had spent a week on vacation but, for some reason, I felt way more recharged after that one night. So, I dived into the trenches of my own mind, seeking an answer.
Focusing first on understanding the feeling itself, I reviewed my own life, searching for moments where I felt that way. A mental picture of high school and college appeared.
The time of my life when I was a “rebellious” young teen, focused on being the greatest guitar player and enjoying every single moment of his life.
Looking back, I realize I was actually a very balanced person, mixing 2 really important things: enjoyment and duty. However, recently, I had lost the “enjoyment” part, who just wants to appreciate whatever life throws his way, seeking the pleasure of the moment and using that as a source of mental and physical energy.
Watching anime and speaking with friends until 1 am, followed by guitar practice until 3 am, sleeping for 5 hours and having a blast the next day was something rather common. I always felt great, free. High on life! And after all these years, I had forgotten what that looked like. Not the specific routine, but the feeling of “completion” that comes once you enjoy and take pleasure in doing something, while also “fulfilling” your duty.
My own ego told me that, maybe this was something recent. Something that had happened in the last month or so, due to some mild anxiety with decisions I had made. But I don’t think so.
I’m not saying I haven’t been enjoying my life! I have, a lot! But there are…layers, levels to this game.
The lightness in which I carried myself through life had not been present in a while.
So, I had the feeling, but now I needed to understand why I had lost it in the first place.
For the past years, I’ve been obsessed with “improving performance”, optimization.
What’s the right amount of sleep?
What’s the best workout?
What’s the best diet?
What’s the best app?
I’ll find notes in my own journal with a ridiculous amount of tasks and habits that, supposedly, would make me do and be better. However, it was never enough.
With all that focus on “hacks” and “tricks”, I forgot how to surf life, which is something I find way more powerful.
Gavin Bryars has an essay called “Ornithology for the birds” in which he explores how thinking about the creative process can affect the artist's creativity. At a given moment, after exploring his own set of habits related to music, he says:
But these are the mechanics of composition, not its essence.
Personally, that resonates a lot. By focusing only on the mechanics of my life, I’m failing to appreciate (and live) its essence.
All of those idiosyncrasies and habits are not my own. I love people like Tim Ferriss and Andrew Huberman, but that’s just not who I am. I finally get that now.
(Credit where it’s due, my girlfriend has been trying to tell me a version of this idea almost since we started dating. Hey babe, if you’re reading this, you’re awesome!)
Back in those music days, I didn’t do whatever the “monkey brain” told me to, I had a plan and a strategy but I played a different game.
Besides, looking back at my own story, the moments of “genius” that I’ve had in my career and personal life all came from surfing life and dismissing optimization.
Because that was the recipe that allowed for that “whole” feeling, a mixture of joy/pleasure and duty/discipline.
The union between magic and action.
I would go to bed proud of myself and happy because, not only I had done everything in my power to get to where I wanted, to serve others, become better at my craft and pursue mastery, but also, I really enjoyed myself and my life.
That “magical action” gave me confidence, energy and inspiration.
For years those were my favorite words: inspiration and energy. Slowly though, they ended up disappearing from my personal vocabulary, replaced by a bunch of “performance” synonyms.
I want to put them back right in the center of what I am and do.
There are days when all those “hacks” are useful, I won’t deny that. But that’s based on what “life is asking”, not on protocols structured for optimization.
I’ve robotized my creativity and craft, going down a black hole. You won’t be able to optimize 100% of your life, so there will always be something missing, something sucking you in.
I rather seek my own way, my path, my journey.
In these last few months, I’ve tweeted multiple times about this “unease” feeling, this fundamental doubt (which I projected onto my professional approach, instead of my “life philosophy”).
Now, I understand that it has always been about this!
Before starting the challenge, I saw this video from Patrick Bet David where he says that the amount of sleep you should have, depends on your life and what you do.
If you have a lifestyle and goals that are aligned with sleeping 8-9 hours a day, great. But you should not feel guilty if you’re “on a run” to achieve something that doesn’t allow you to do that. It doesn’t apply to you or your current life.
That was, I believe, the prompt that allowed my brain to put together all these pieces and embrace my approach.
It happened a couple of days ago and I’ve been on a roll ever since.
I know, maybe this is temporary. In fact, I’m pretty sure that, at some point, this feeling will disappear.
But here’s the thing: it’s ok! It did in high school and college as well.
The main lesson is to follow my own path and what serves me. Back then, just like now, what mattered wasn’t the feeling but the philosophy that I lived by every day, allowing me to replicate it often.
That’s what I’m striving for!
Leave optimization behind and start surfing live.
Maybe this would help you too!
(Oh, and by the way, the show is called “Hacks”. Isn’t that crazy?)