After 82 days, I’m opening an exception to the way I write these daily emails but I want this one to be more easily located in the future.
This weekend I read a Twitter thread by Anne-Lorraine about relationships, which I’ll share below:
After making some comments on the thread, Anne responded with a few questions/thoughts that I wanted to address in a bigger medium than tweets.
She starts with a great question:
She also adds, this:
I’m not an expert in relationships. At all. But I have a meaningful, loving relationship with my girlfriend (which, by the way, is very private and that’s why I won’t go into much detail about her).
Both of us agree that our relationship has improved over time. I truly believe that constant growth comes from both of us thinking about the other as the priority.
Now, let me start by saying that, there’s a part of what Anne points out that resonates.
The idea that real-life romance is somehow similar to the kind of experience and narrative you see portrayed in romantic stories, regardless of vehicles, is nonsense.
Having a romantic relationship is a project. Something that takes effort and resources. Something that takes time and is filled with highs and lows.
For a long time, I thought that the perfect relationship would be similar to those same stories but finally realized that there’s a reason why they’re stories.
However, that doesn’t mean is not one of the most rewarding experiences you can have in your life.
The reason why I talked about being a priority is due to the nature of the relationship. It’s different from all the other relationships you’re going to have.
The kind of support, the depth of conversation and feelings, the level of attention…It’s bigger than all of the other relationships, including, in my view, friendships.
I love my friends to death. I have different kinds of friendships and cherish them all due to our stories. But I’m lucky enough to be dating my best friend in the world.
Maybe that’s the whole point of these thoughts. Getting to the question: is it even worth building a relationship with anyone but your best friend?
Look, I have my “bros” but our relationship is a brotherly one.
It’s like…plants.
Some of them need constant care and attention, while others can thrive being watered weekly. Here’s the thing though: both of them can die.
Believing you found “the one” and then being lazy about it because he/she will love you for the rest of your life with “unconditional love” is pure stupidity.
“The one” is someone who’s willing to grow with you, doing their part while you do yours.
Your romantic relationship, I believe, is a result of the care and attention you put into it. Of making sure you’re serving the other part because you know it will do the same with you.
That’s not easy because human beings are not easy and emotions are complex things.
And yet…when you do it for long enough, you’ll find yourself in a moment of peace. Where caring about the relationship is actually second nature for you. And that allows for life with pure beauty.
Yes, “portrayed romance” may be responsible for the failure of many relationships that follow a pattern of comparison. But if you actually embrace the nature of your relationship, you’ll be blessed with moments of perfect alignment.
That’s worth everything.