You just need to be yourself!
How many times have you listened to this? And how many times have you shared this advice with others?
The simple idea that “being ourselves” is a great solution for a lot of personal problems makes a lot of sense. Truthfully, denying our own tastes and desires is part of the dissatisfaction that some of us carry in our day-to-day. So it’s really easy to understand the importance of expressing our different identities, beliefs, and likes.
However, even though it’s easy to understand that “being yourself” is a great solution, actually doing it, is hard.
Pretty hard.
Let’s see if we can understand why.
“You need to be X and do Y!”
Yesterday, I started my day sitting in a coffee shop, writing my morning thoughts.
As I sat down, a little girl riding a small scooter, crossed the whole place as fast as she could, followed by a somehow exhausted and desperate mother, with a look of tired love in her eyes, asking her to be careful.
As the mother siped some coffee while leaning on the counter, the girl kept going to different empty tables, playing with chairs or napkin holders.
She asked her mother if they could stay outside, so she could ride her scooter around without having to dodge the different tables inside the coffee.
She’s full of energy - her mother commented to a staff member.
In a rather passive-aggressive way, the lady from the coffee said: Well, that’s a problem right? My daughter was also like that, but I taught her how to behave!
And on she went, telling both the mother and the young girl all the things she had done to “domesticate” her daughter.
After the conversation, the mother, with a tube made of folded paper, slowly smacked the head of the little girl and said: See? You need to be careful and behave.
As they both left, the lady from the coffee was smirking with pride.
See? You need to be X and do Y.
That’s the magic formula that gets imprinted in our heads slowly but steadily as we’re growing up. And that’s also one of the biggest reasons why “being ourselves” is actually a pretty hard thing to do when you’re an adult.
Frameworks
Human beings live in eternal structural loops, filled with content changes.
Here’s what I mean.
100 years ago, your grandparents had issues in their lives.
The specifics, in this case, don’t matter. Like all human beings, they had problems, and doubts, molding their worldview and belief system about what surrounded them.
Since they were focused on surviving, they didn't have the time (or the capacity) to actually understand these problems and deal with them, so, they got pushed to your parents in the form of (familiar) cultural beliefs.
That’s how we do things in the [insert family name] house!
Just like your grandparents, your parents probably didn’t have the time to reframe the different situations and beliefs in a way that would actually increase their happiness, so, they project them onto you as well.
So here you are, reading this article.
Maybe you have kids, maybe you don't. But I guess you know what’s going to happen if you don’t deal with your own stuff.
The problem with these familiar cultural frameworks is that we’re all focused on surviving. Including children. Especially, children,
Being a kid has to be one of the scariest experiences ever. I take the wrong exit on the highway and I’m already scared shitless, can you imagine what is it like being a child, experiencing the world, and trying to understand what the hell is going on?
Fortunately, while we’re kids, we usually have these 2 giants that seem to care for us. They take care of our needs and desires and we quickly understand, even if only instinctively, that we need them to survive.
In theory, since we’re beings without great agency, we would receive unconditional love. After all, we have no idea what we’re doing and, without it, we’re basically dead.
However, in practice, we quickly realize that these giants seem to have preferences. If we do certain things or express certain feelings, we get more care, attention, and love.
So, we adapt.
To survive, we start conditioning the way we act, early in our lives.
The feelings we express, what we like or don’t like…all of these are adjusted based on the reality that surrounds us.
In order to survive (and receive the love we want and need), shaping our behavior to the likes of others is the solution. That’s when our first (and most firm) framework for self-expression is born.
Whenever someone says “just be yourself”, what they’re actually saying is: express yourself through your current framework instead of the one you’ve had in the past.
The only way to do this is to let go of the older one and that has to be one of the most painful experiences for any human being.
This framework is a fundamental part of how you see the world. Is tied to decisions you’ve made in the past, to your sensemaking approach, to your self-worth…Letting go of it is admitting that a part of how you see the world (and all the things you take for granted about relationships, incentives, and ways of being) is wrong and in a need of change.
It also means that you're willing to behave in a way and embrace certain identities that can make your parents stop giving you love.
That's what being yourself really means. And it's pretty hard.
So what can we do?
Letting go of the idea that we need unconditional love from others may be a good place to start.
That makes sense in your childhood when you don’t understand social dynamics. In adulthood, you understand that “unconditional love” is, in almost all cases, impossible. People will have “conditions”, boundaries, as they should. The secret is navigating the world in such a way that allows you to be happy with the boundaries others establish, while you also impose your own.
You don’t need unconditional love in adulthood to be happy! Not from others, at least.
What you do need (and should actively focus on cultivating) is unconditional love towards yourself.
Instead of seeking unwavering support and love from other people, focus instead on expressing those same feelings to yourself.
Accept who you are and what you enjoy.
That's not easy, of course.
But it's the fundamental step for letting go of an old framework and calmly embracing a new one.